Our job as parents is to raise our children to the point where they can fend for themselves and be independent. But when it comes to the letting go part, many of us struggle to detach. So how do we let go of our adult children?
I decided to write this post because I’m in this phase of my life right now. And so are many of my friends. And we’re finding it difficult to let go. So I did some research to help us to navigate this time and decided to put together a post for those of us who may need some encouragement. (But please note: I am not a professional when it comes to these matters, this is simply the helpful information I found while I was exploring the web.)
Letting your adult children go doesn't mean you love them any less. Share on XHow can you make this transition period easier? Is there an art to letting go?
I will preface this by saying – there isn’t a magical, easy way of letting go. But here are a few pointers that may help you along the way:
Realize and accept that your relationship is changing
This may sound obvious, but the first step is to acknowledge what is happening. Clarifying the situation allows us to see this transition for what it is. You’re moving from a parent-child relationship to one that is more of a friend kind of relationship. It may feel like a demotion of your role in their lives. But it’s necessary. And understanding that this is the desired end goal can make the process easier to accept.
Give them the space to be independent
If you’re always hanging around, they won’t be able to forge their new, separate identity in the world. And by hovering, you’re undermining their confidence in their ability to do it alone. So set up some boundaries and stick to them. And let it be up to them how much or how often they call on you for guidance or assistance. (This is particularly difficult nowadays because technology and social media keep us connected all the time.)
Let go of negative emotions
We need to learn to let go of any guilt, hurt, resentment, anger, and frustration we may be feeling in our parent-child relationship. We need to forgive ourselves for any shortfalls that have led to any of these feelings so they don’t cloud how we parent and ultimately let go. For example, if you feel guilty for not parenting well enough, you may be tempted to continue to help your child beyond what is needed at this time, just to make yourself feel better.
Let them make mistakes
How will they ever learn lessons if they don’t make some mistakes? Yes, this is a difficult one. Because we all want to protect our children, but again, we need to show them that we believe in them and allow them to make decisions about their lives. Give them the freedom to make mistakes and experience the consequences of that freedom.
Let go of your interpretation of success
Your interpretation of success may differ from your grown-up child’s interpretation of it. And your dreams for their lives may not match their dreams. This is a big one. In addition, we need to accept that we’re not responsible for our young adult’s success in life. Yes, it’s difficult to hold back and not try to influence our children’s life decisions, but the truth is, it’s their time now. We’ve done the hands-on parenting part of our jobs, and it’s now time for them to take the wheel of their own lives.
Understand that you’re not losing them
It may feel like you’re losing them because you’re no longer the centre of their lives, but you’ll always be their mother. Your relationship will simply be different. You’ve gone from being the boss to being more of a colleague or friend. You’re no longer in control and in charge, but you’re now someone who offers support.
Turn your focus to yourself
If you show your children a good example of how a balanced, healthy adult life should look, they may be more inclined to emulate one. Model a fulfilling adult life because we all know that they do as we do not as we say!
And, to overcome any feelings of loss, spend more time investing in your other relationships, friendships and hobbies.
Yes, that may all sound fine and good, right? It’s definitely easier said than done. We should have known this wasn’t going to be a smooth transition, especially because we are so emotionally involved. But we love them and we know it’s for the best for both of us, so we take it day by day.
Related: Is there a right time for your kids to move out of home?
From Mom in the Moment’s Instagram account.
How to successfully navigate the move from managing parent to mentoring parent
So what could you do if you continue to find yourself in the managerial role instead of the mentoring one? Here are a few ideas that may help you:
- Marvel at how your children have grown up
- Celebrate that you’ve successfully raised your children
- Trust that you’ve done your best to raise them well
- Honour that you feel sad about letting go and sit with it a while
- Set boundaries for yourself and uphold them with every situation that arises
- Understand that you’re no longer in control, but more of a support for them
- Acknowledge that the hands-on phase of your parenting has come to an end
- Let go of negative emotional attachments
- Allow them to forge their own lives even if it differs from your idea of a successful life
- Focus on the positives of the new relationship you and your grown-up children will be creating
- Let your grown-up children make mistakes, no matter how much it hurts or causes untold anxiety
- Acknowledge that these are their years for experimenting and exploring new things
- Step up your personal activities to fill the time you’d previously spent on child-rearing activities
- Practice patience and grace
- Be their cheerleader and encourage them in their endeavours
- Support them by actively listening
- Offer advice only when asked
- Be a positive, happy companion, not one who moans or uses guilt-trips
- Tell them that you believe in their ability to succeed
- Avoid judgment and criticism
- Start living a more independent life yourself
In Conclusion – How to let go of your adult children
Remember, you’re both on a journey. And as parents, it’s our job to help our adult children onto the next phase of their lives, whether we want to or not.
It’s certainly difficult to watch your grown-up children start taking responsibility for their own decisions. They revel in their newfound freedom and will often make mistakes along the way. When this happens, we may feel it’s easier to help them than to see them fail. But this is where we have to practice “letting go”. Try not to solve their problems for them. Instead, encourage them. Initially, it may feel like you’re moving one step forward and two steps back – but persevere. Because the more they flex their “adulting” muscles, the better they’ll become at adulting.
And if you need further convincing, ask yourself whether your parenting is motivated by fear, guilt or a need to control. And if it is, admit to yourself that you may be behaving that way because of these feelings. Letting go of your adult children is a challenging time of transition, there’s no doubt. But this steep learning curve will ultimately lead to responsible, independent grown-up children who are capable of going out into the world successfully. And that’s the goal.
How have you coped with the “letting go” phase? Are you struggling? Or can you offer any wise words of encouragement?
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