Feeling lonely? Here’s how to make (and keep) friends in midlife.

Are you feeling lonely? And wondering whether you need to make some new friends to help with that? It’s no secret that many women in midlife experience loneliness. And there are many genuine reasons for it.

You may feel like you just don’t have the time and energy to give to having friends in between looking after sick parents. Or maybe your parents are no longer around.

Also, your children are now older and don’t need you as much as they used to, spending more time with their own friends.

Or maybe you didn’t maintain strong friendships during all the years of raising your family and now that your kids have grown up, you find yourself more alone.

You may have moved and lost touch with old friends from your younger years.

Or you may simply find it difficult to make friends, finding other women too different to you or thinking that people just won’t like you.

Like many other women, you could feel that most women appear to already have their friends, and aren’t looking for new ones.

Whatever the reasons are, during our midlife years we may feel this loneliness even more acutely.

Many women try to overcome this by finding a new hobby, trying out new exercises, changing careers or travelling more. But ultimately, humans are social beings and we need relationships to fill the void of loneliness.

Loneliness is, after all, a feeling of not being socially connected.

So it’s important to connect and talk to people you meet and know. Often this feeling of loneliness will pass when you make connections with people – chat over coffee, go for a walk together etc.

You may want to read: 100+ friendship quotes made for you and your BFF

How to make friends in midlife

Before I kick-off, it’s worth bearing in mind that the number of friends you have as an adult is fewer than when you were younger and simply became friends with people in your class at school, through sports teams etc. Proximity resulted in quick and easy friendships back then.

But as we age and especially during midlife, those friendships don’t seem to ‘happen’ as easily. And even though we may be married, and busy with family and many other things, we can still feel lonely. So how do we make friends in midlife?

• Firstly, you’ve got to be brave and get out there! If you don’t take the time and try, you won’t have the chance to make a new friend. Go to parties that you’re invited to and chat with people you don’t know, find a club for something you enjoy so that you meet people who like the same things as you, or arrange a coffee date with a person you already know but aren’t good friends with yet.
• Ask people about themselves – because most people love to talk about themselves!
• Be open to different types (and ages) of people who may not be exactly like you.
• People tend to like people who like them so if you like someone, let them know. “You’re so interesting!”
• And once you’ve met someone new, and hit it off, follow up with that person. eg. Text them and ask to meet for coffee or a walk.
• Take a chance and make the first step – you might get a “sorry, I’m busy” but you might get a “that sounds great, I’m so glad you suggested it!” (Remember, many people are feeling lonely and might not be brave.)

What makes a good friend?

When I was researching this post, I came across the Friend Forward podcast where I learnt so much about friendship and what constitutes a good friend. I’d highly recommend following that podcast for very relevant and insightful information. Danielle Bayard Jackson is so knowledgeable about this topic (see the end of this blog post for more places to find her). She listed the following traits that make a good friend:

Integrity

• Trustworthiness (Consistency and follow-through. Can you be trusted?)
• Honesty (Do you lie or are you ‘real’ and able to show your vulnerability?)
• Loyalty (Can you keep secrets? Will you stand by your friend?)
• Trusting (A person who is trusting is easy to share things with.)

Caring

• Empathetic (Do your friends feel cared for?)
• Non-judgmental (Are you overly critical?)
• Good listening skills (Do you only talk about yourself?)
• Supportive (Do you celebrate your friend’s successes and lament with them when they fail?)

Congeniality

• Self-confident (Has good self-esteem and won’t easily feel threatened or jealous.)
• Can you have fun? (Or are you miserable, negative, and always complaining about everything?)
• Good sense of humour (Not serious all the time.)

Good communication

• If you feel you’re always giving or suggesting things to do or where to go – could it be that your friend isn’t good at that kind of thing and loves that about you? Perhaps their strength is always being keen to participate or doing other things in the friendship.
• Chat about how you’re feeling so that everyone’s expectations are met.

Things to know so that you don’t get disappointed

Because we’ve all felt disappointed at some point, haven’t we?

• People cannot read your mind – so be clear about what you want or need from your friendship.
• Be sure that what you’re expecting from someone is something that you can also provide to them.
• Have realistic expectations of people –
  • one person will not be able to provide you with everything you need. You might need many friends who fill your various needs – and that’s okay.
  • Not everybody is able to have a close relationship – some people might not be who you need them to be.
• Good friendships take time. You have to invest many hours in a friendship before it becomes a deep friendship.

How to deepen a friendship

According to friendship coach and guru, Shasta Nelson, you need all of these things to have a deep relationship:

• Be vulnerable. Show her your weaknesses. Disclose things about yourself that others might not know.
• Be consistent. Don’t leave her guessing.
• Be positive – don’t be a constant whiner or moaner.

Also:

• Find ways to support and show up for your friend.
• Work through any conflicts because that can make you closer.
• Give people the opportunity to help you. (People often love to help other people.)
• Have realistic expectations of your friendship.

Related: The value of friendships that don’t come easy

Is it too late to make new friends or to have a BFF?

Short answer: No.

If you really want a friend, a BFF or some new friends – you can still do it.

Friendships can start anytime and at any stage of your life.

If you meet someone you like, let them know, and follow up.

If you’re not part of a squad of girlfriends who’ve been friends since school – all is not lost. A new friendship could be even deeper and better than an old one, especially if you’re mature and know what good friendship means.

And it’s worth noting that close relationships don’t just happen, they have to be nurtured – and that takes much time and work.

And what if you have friends but you still feel lonely?

Put in more time. Spend time doing things together. And get to know each other better.

Take the opportunity in midlife to chat to your friends about their possible perimenopausal symptoms so that you can lament together, share solutions and have a laugh.

And continue to work on deepening your friendship (see above – what makes a good friend).

Related: How to instantly add happiness to your life

And finally

If loneliness is an issue for you – will you be brave and put in the effort to make a new friend? Or maybe you’d like to deepen an existing friendship? Let me know in the comments below. I’d love to know where you’re at.

For more about friendship, follow Danielle Bayard Jackson on Instagram or listen to her being interviewed on this podcast episode. She also has a website, betterfemalefriendships.com where you can sign up for her coaching programme.

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